IM clients should completely block messages like “hey, did you see my email?”  Have a little confidence, people.  I don’t know about your email client, but mine tells me when I have unread messages.  Even worse is a phone call with the same question.  Stop that.  Is the answer ever “no?”   Often, I’ll get these IMs before my email client has even pulled the message from the server.  I guess I should answer “no” in that case.  Even if your email is really important, give the recipient an hour.  He/she is probably busy, just like you.  He/she might even be working on something more important than your request. OMG!  Also, don’t ask “are we there yet?” in the car, and don’t chew with your mouth open.

“I’ve got the interfaces sunk.”

Why do people say things like that?  It’s a language abortion.  I don’t even hate all corporate-speak.  Some of it is quite clever and it’s fun to be a part of a secret language that only cube-monkeys understand, but this one sounds like someone taught Cletus how to navigate IOS.

I also like to think that I can identify good design.  You see, I really like design.  I have much affection for attractive event posters.  There’s something about the presentation of very important data in a beautiful setting. Let’s take concert posters.  You have the band(s) performing, the venue, and the date.  The poster artist is tasked with making something simultaneously attractive, memorable, unique, and most importantly readable.  I envy the people that can do this, and I’m grateful that they provide something that merges my professional passion (data) with design, a skill which I mostly lack but try to employ anyway.

Logos.  I love good logos and even good company names.  I don’t, however, understand the need for the fucking registered trademark sign. (Ⓡ)  You see a great logo, then you notice that little cyst of intellectual property on the edge.  I understand the need for a business to protect its assets, but do we really need that mark?  It’s ugly, I’m sure the designer hates it, and it’s not going to stop me from doing whatever I want with the graphic.  It seems to be nothing more than a warning sign for would-be copyright infringers.

With the web, this little tumor has found its way to text.  Adobe might be the most carciniogenic corporation out there.  All over their website, their products are referred to as “AdobeⓇ ProductⓇ.”  Perhaps the most infamous example is their request for us to stop writing “this image was photoshopped” and instead claim that the image was “enhanced with Adobe® Photoshop® Elements software.” (http://www.adobe.com/misc/trade.html#photoshop)  How much money is wasted by the company in protecting something that only really only exists in our minds?  They’re concerned about the photoshop-as-verb version diminishing the strength of their brand.  What the fuck?  Do you think Kleenex wants you to start asking for a “tissue” rather than their genericized trademark?  Is the Coca-Cola company spearheading a big movement in the Southern United States to encourage the cessation of referring to all fizzy beverages as “Coke?”

I’m eyeing a utopia here, but imagine what we could do if we used all of that energy to work together?  The Free Software movement gets some of it right.  I’m completely fine with huge profit if it’s lawfully and respectfully earned.  Especially with the philanthropic tendencies of most of companies that enjoy such fortune.  I think corporations could maintain profit while easing back a little bit on the IP lawyers.  Who really cares if some high school kid loves your product enough to make a t-shirt and sell it to his friends?

I won’t even start on music copyright, so instead you should just listen to the new Girl Talk album while following the list of sampled tracks (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feed_the_Animals) and guessing which artist will be the first to sue him.

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth $120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frog’s Legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe (but I have an unopened bottle on my counter!)
74. Gjetost or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

Do NOT use this company for any plumbing needs.  They installed a new water heater at my house and two years later this is what it looks like.

The owner of this company insists that it’s a leak above the water heater and that it was NOT an improper installation.  I’ve checked the area and there is no moisture.  He won’t even send someone out just to check on it.  He claims that the work is only warranteed for 30 days, which is mostly useless because corrosion of this sort would not appear within that amount of time.  DO NOT USE ABSOLUTE PLUMBING.

I appreciate you helping me with this

Thank You

Thank You
Unaware McSignerson
(111-555-1212) unaware.mcsignerson@megacorp.us

What if they write a scorching email to one of their minions? “Your work is really bollocks. THANKS!”