Corporate work wear policies are total bullshit. It doesn’t make me more productive. It doesn’t make the company look better. I think this is part of the “we trust our employees 100% but not really” policy that most US corporations implement. Do they think that if I’m allowed to dress myself I’ll show up in their sterile halls wearing booger-encrusted cutoff jeans and a “fuck you” t-shirt? I sit in a cube all day. The only person that I see face to face is the guy who empties my trash can. Why do I need to purchase and wear clothing that is only going to be seen by him? Dude is wearing old soccer shoes, he doesn’t care how I look.

..but that’s not really my problem with the policy. You see, I don’t really mind the clothes themselves, I mind the glaring double standard. Women seem to be able to wear whatever the fuck they want as long as it doesn’t have profanity screen-printed upon it and it’s not made from denim. (although this doesn’t seem to be completely true) A common acceptable outfit for women includes a t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops. Yes. Women are allowed to don beachwear at the office. Men must wear collared shirts and trousers. I’ve been known to rock a pair of crosstrainers at work, but they’re a bit subdued rather than glaring white. (ok, they’re blue/orange, but damn, white running shoes with khaki-colored trousers makes you look like a special-needs kid going to church) This narrow paradigm of men’s office fashion (© Staubio) leads to three pairs of similarly boring pants paired with an endless array of polo shirts and button-ups. Of course, I dig the button-ups, but holy hell is it hard to find a good one. I think I have a single button-up that looks good in every configuration. Tucked-in, untucked, sleeves rolled, halfway unbuttoned displaying my cornicello and curly chest hairs. (lulz, j/k)

There is also the issue of comfort in the heat. My city has some seriously oppressive temperatures and humidity in the summer. I love dining al-fresco, and my company provides ample outdoor dining space which I’m sure I would enjoy for more than three weeks out of the year if I could wear women’s clothes without fear of involuntary separation due to freaking the fuck out of my coworkers. I’m telling you.. beachwear.

this is a t-shirt, perfectly acceptable at work

SHORTS

“oh, they’re leather so they’re nice enough for work”

QED